The longer you wait, the less interested I become.
I recently went on the annual company retreat off to an island getaway somewhere. I had planned for it for a long time. Looked forward to meeting new people and for some much needed hooking up. After all, it was in the same event some 4 years ago that I pulled as many men as I did that weekend.
I have ditched The Millionaire. Well, kind off. I played his games and flirted with him for as long as I could. But whenever it boiled down to actually getting off my butt and going to his place I realized I simply couldnt do it. My heighthened paranoia on the fact that maybe his fiancee or his family are secretly watching and might blow me up or burn me aggravates the push to not go.
I do enjoy it though, that little flirt. That attention from a millionaire who has everything. The money, the family, the hot and famous fiancee. Yet he still comes back to me. Its hard to not be flattered and to not enjoy that.
But I keep looking and searching for something more stable now. Or if not, to continue searching for those who can deal with my emotionless nights together. To find a man I would like to see for a long time or to find a man who can fulfill me and not take heart when I dont call or want to see him in the longer term.
See I am surrounded now by eligible men, decent looking but most of all with a good heart. I cant simply sleep with them because that little buzz in me tells me that they cant handle that kind of abuse. That they are the kinds of men who would sleep with someone only when it means something more.
But then they no longer become the men that I want to have a relationship with. Maybe one or two from this weekend still hold a warm spot in my heart. I am deathly in crush with The Good Boy and constantly wish he would ask me out... and I am deathly in lust with The Journalist. A younger man - good looking and smart, but clearly without the experience of men my age.
A woman creates the opportunity... it is the man's role to seize it.
And the longer they wait, the faster I move on, to somebody else, to somebody new.
But honestly, right now, all I want is just to have a guy lay on top of me
Monday, November 1, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Moral compass
Ive been trying to figure some things out since the night I received that booty call. Remember how I asked the universe for Good Boy to flirt with me? Well, he added me as a friend on facebook, does that count?
The Millionaire in his passing out remark mentions, perhaps we should meet the next day then. I speak again to the universe, and ask for some guidance. The universe decided that he wasnt goint to booty call me that night.
Then last Wednesday night, The Millionaire texts me again. Again I look somewhere else for a sign. This time, my girlfriend and I noted, if he doesnt respond by 12:00 a.m., then I wouldnt go.
The thing is, in all these instances, I rested on someone else to make the decision for me, because I truly cannot decide if I want to or not. I am torn between being the old me, and the person I have become through The Samaritan.
The old me would have just gone, straightaway, never looked back. The old me would have laughed and enjoyed the conquest as much as the feel of a man's hands on my body. The old me would have point blank walked into his place, no questions asked and rock his world.
But like I said, that was then.
The new me kinda goes "meh". Yes, it would be fun, but staying at home and watching DVD's would also be fun (and less complicated). Yes, he is a good looking guy, but it would be pretty nice if it was a not engaged good looking guy who was in my house cooking me dinner (preferable shirtless) and watching DVD's with me.
You get my drift right?
The old me treasured her independence, fun, youth, her cynicism in fact, of men and the world around her. The new me believes in hope, and in the truth that there are indeed some good men out there, and it would be really nice to find one of them.
Until I decide myself, the person I want to be, I keep on relying on signs and the universe and guidance for everything. Though for those of you this would be a simple decision Engaged = NO, for me the mere fact that I am actually contemplating saying no is a very big step for me.
Maybe my days of reckless and ruthless fun are gone. Maybe now Im actually morphing into an adult and making adult decisions.
S-c-a-r-y
The Millionaire in his passing out remark mentions, perhaps we should meet the next day then. I speak again to the universe, and ask for some guidance. The universe decided that he wasnt goint to booty call me that night.
Then last Wednesday night, The Millionaire texts me again. Again I look somewhere else for a sign. This time, my girlfriend and I noted, if he doesnt respond by 12:00 a.m., then I wouldnt go.
The thing is, in all these instances, I rested on someone else to make the decision for me, because I truly cannot decide if I want to or not. I am torn between being the old me, and the person I have become through The Samaritan.
The old me would have just gone, straightaway, never looked back. The old me would have laughed and enjoyed the conquest as much as the feel of a man's hands on my body. The old me would have point blank walked into his place, no questions asked and rock his world.
But like I said, that was then.
The new me kinda goes "meh". Yes, it would be fun, but staying at home and watching DVD's would also be fun (and less complicated). Yes, he is a good looking guy, but it would be pretty nice if it was a not engaged good looking guy who was in my house cooking me dinner (preferable shirtless) and watching DVD's with me.
You get my drift right?
The old me treasured her independence, fun, youth, her cynicism in fact, of men and the world around her. The new me believes in hope, and in the truth that there are indeed some good men out there, and it would be really nice to find one of them.
Until I decide myself, the person I want to be, I keep on relying on signs and the universe and guidance for everything. Though for those of you this would be a simple decision Engaged = NO, for me the mere fact that I am actually contemplating saying no is a very big step for me.
Maybe my days of reckless and ruthless fun are gone. Maybe now Im actually morphing into an adult and making adult decisions.
S-c-a-r-y
Saturday, September 11, 2010
When it rains it pours
I guess the cat is out of the bag and slowly the news has made its way around the circuit. Yes ladies and gents, I am single, and today out of the blue two (count them) two!! of my exes decided to drop me a note.
Mr. 1982, what a very good year. And hmm.. what shall I call him... The Millionaire? Mr. Eccentric? well, to those who may have known me and known of me for a while he was simply The Car Guy back when it all began.
I was in the car travelling round to the boondocks for some relative visiting when I get a message on my blackberry. A note titled "hello hello hello" and a message saying "well well well..." I was surprised to hear from him, my Mr. 1982. A much older man (12 years older than me) whom I used to have a huge crush on and of course did finally managed to bed. He was a lot of fun, always made me laugh and we ended as he left the country, and right after that I got together with The Samaritan.
The Samaritan wasnt too keen on Mr. 1982 in the beginning. I guess because I did have some emotional investment in him. But I knew then as I know now he cannot be my forever after. Just to start with 12 years difference is too much even for me. I still want the father of my children to be able to play with my kids, to be alive to watch them go to college and to get married.
But it was such a thrill back then, nailing the man that I had wanted for such a long time. I looked at his pictures now, and see the exact same man who had left. A happy smiling, drinking, partying man... and I started thinking... "isnt he a little too old to still be partying like that?"
The Millionaire was a man I met so much longer before. Our flirtation went all the way to college days in another country, in another time. When we both came back he finally invited me over to his place. He was... eccentric... in a few different ways. He was with someone back then, just as he is engaged to that someone right now. But today, after a hiatus of almost two years he sends me a text message asking how I am, asking if I wanted to come over and see his new place.
Back in the day I wouldve jumped in a heartbeat. Driven my car and just go. But now, now I send him a message back letting him know I am with my family and it would just not be possible to go away. Now I ask him point blank if he has anyone he can introduce me to, now that he is off the market. Pretty pointed messages I would say. Yet he still comes back to me, still asks me to come over, tells me he will let me know when I get there but then sends me another message to say he's alone.
Some people never change. Some men never change
But perhaps, I have changed.
My interest slightly piqued, but thats about it. Perhaps I would just go over because I am overdue for a lay, but that would be about it. Between Mr. 1982 and The Millionaire I would prefer Mr. 1982, less complicated you see. But with him being a few countries away and The Millionaires pad being within 5 minutes of walking, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something.
Urghhhh if only The Good Boy was in town and can just distract me by actually flirting with me or something...
Mr. 1982, what a very good year. And hmm.. what shall I call him... The Millionaire? Mr. Eccentric? well, to those who may have known me and known of me for a while he was simply The Car Guy back when it all began.
I was in the car travelling round to the boondocks for some relative visiting when I get a message on my blackberry. A note titled "hello hello hello" and a message saying "well well well..." I was surprised to hear from him, my Mr. 1982. A much older man (12 years older than me) whom I used to have a huge crush on and of course did finally managed to bed. He was a lot of fun, always made me laugh and we ended as he left the country, and right after that I got together with The Samaritan.
The Samaritan wasnt too keen on Mr. 1982 in the beginning. I guess because I did have some emotional investment in him. But I knew then as I know now he cannot be my forever after. Just to start with 12 years difference is too much even for me. I still want the father of my children to be able to play with my kids, to be alive to watch them go to college and to get married.
But it was such a thrill back then, nailing the man that I had wanted for such a long time. I looked at his pictures now, and see the exact same man who had left. A happy smiling, drinking, partying man... and I started thinking... "isnt he a little too old to still be partying like that?"
The Millionaire was a man I met so much longer before. Our flirtation went all the way to college days in another country, in another time. When we both came back he finally invited me over to his place. He was... eccentric... in a few different ways. He was with someone back then, just as he is engaged to that someone right now. But today, after a hiatus of almost two years he sends me a text message asking how I am, asking if I wanted to come over and see his new place.
Back in the day I wouldve jumped in a heartbeat. Driven my car and just go. But now, now I send him a message back letting him know I am with my family and it would just not be possible to go away. Now I ask him point blank if he has anyone he can introduce me to, now that he is off the market. Pretty pointed messages I would say. Yet he still comes back to me, still asks me to come over, tells me he will let me know when I get there but then sends me another message to say he's alone.
Some people never change. Some men never change
But perhaps, I have changed.
My interest slightly piqued, but thats about it. Perhaps I would just go over because I am overdue for a lay, but that would be about it. Between Mr. 1982 and The Millionaire I would prefer Mr. 1982, less complicated you see. But with him being a few countries away and The Millionaires pad being within 5 minutes of walking, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something.
Urghhhh if only The Good Boy was in town and can just distract me by actually flirting with me or something...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Charmer
We meet one day. He greets me, with a great smile as he shakes my hand. Asks me how I am and makes me feel like I am the only person in the world. He is a little dorky looking, but in a good looking kind of way, with his shirt unbuttoned on top. Or perhaps he isnt that good looking, but his charming ways persuade me otherwise.
He looks at me, talks to me, charms me, and I feel myself getting more and more ensnared in his little web.
I want him. If for nothing else than to just feel that power that rush. It would be easy or perhaps not so easy since he seems to have developed a conscience. I sense in him that inner animal that misses the days of the hunt. And I sense on some days that he sees that kinship in me too.
I watched him, openly flirting with the security guards, and tell him that it would have been enjoyable to have seen him back in the day, back when he was on his game.
A touch here, a touch there, some witty repertoire. Ah, if only... if only...
and as he told me to my face
"my wife is astute, and I am a bad liar"
He looks at me, talks to me, charms me, and I feel myself getting more and more ensnared in his little web.
I want him. If for nothing else than to just feel that power that rush. It would be easy or perhaps not so easy since he seems to have developed a conscience. I sense in him that inner animal that misses the days of the hunt. And I sense on some days that he sees that kinship in me too.
I watched him, openly flirting with the security guards, and tell him that it would have been enjoyable to have seen him back in the day, back when he was on his game.
A touch here, a touch there, some witty repertoire. Ah, if only... if only...
and as he told me to my face
"my wife is astute, and I am a bad liar"
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Good Boy
I met a good boy today. Well, I guess to be fair I didnt 'just' meet him. But I guess only recently have I started really 'seeing' him. This good good boy
He's the kind of boy you would bring home to your mother. The kind of boy who says please and thank you and smiles. The kind of boy who is good to his family, his sisters.
That good good boy.
He's also the good boy that goes for prayers, fasts.
So why is this good good boy appealing suddenly?
He is of the same race as me, and for the first time in a long time, its that memory of finding someone that clicks with you, or understands your background, your race, your culture. Its seeing for the first time in a long time, a person who would share your commitment to your family, your friends. The kind of guy who would ask you if you wanted to go home and see your parents, or if you wanted to hang out together with your friends.
A good good boy from the same racial background as me.
But as before, that whole spirituality side stops me cold. I see this good boy, and I think to myself, yes, I can see him as a good father. A spiritual man who would try to teach out children good values. I think to myself, perhaps it is about time that I leave behind my ways, and reach out to a more moderate view of things. Perhaps not so far left and liberal off the charts as I have been in a while, but closer to actually going back on that chart, on going back to 'the path'. After all, I know in the future, I would want my children raised with some religious guidance, after which theyre free to decide on their own.
And here ladies and gents, is my dillema. Because after all, that was the straw that broke the camels back on The Samaritan and me. Our differing views on religion. With him I could not pretend, I could not try to become somebody I am not, because he knew me from so long ago. Know how I truly feel about religion and spirituality
But perhaps it is time I go back into the closet. After all, what is it that you look for when looking for a partner? A good, fair and just husband, a good, fair and just father. He does not know who I am, or how I am. He barely knows me at all. But perhaps thats the best way to start over, a perfect stranger, free to reinvent yourself any way you want
Perhaps I should re-incarnate as a Good good girl, finding a good good man of my own race, and raising children in a good religious way.
Ah well, he hasnt even asked me out yet, just perving on some eye candy around the office =P
He's the kind of boy you would bring home to your mother. The kind of boy who says please and thank you and smiles. The kind of boy who is good to his family, his sisters.
That good good boy.
He's also the good boy that goes for prayers, fasts.
So why is this good good boy appealing suddenly?
He is of the same race as me, and for the first time in a long time, its that memory of finding someone that clicks with you, or understands your background, your race, your culture. Its seeing for the first time in a long time, a person who would share your commitment to your family, your friends. The kind of guy who would ask you if you wanted to go home and see your parents, or if you wanted to hang out together with your friends.
A good good boy from the same racial background as me.
But as before, that whole spirituality side stops me cold. I see this good boy, and I think to myself, yes, I can see him as a good father. A spiritual man who would try to teach out children good values. I think to myself, perhaps it is about time that I leave behind my ways, and reach out to a more moderate view of things. Perhaps not so far left and liberal off the charts as I have been in a while, but closer to actually going back on that chart, on going back to 'the path'. After all, I know in the future, I would want my children raised with some religious guidance, after which theyre free to decide on their own.
And here ladies and gents, is my dillema. Because after all, that was the straw that broke the camels back on The Samaritan and me. Our differing views on religion. With him I could not pretend, I could not try to become somebody I am not, because he knew me from so long ago. Know how I truly feel about religion and spirituality
But perhaps it is time I go back into the closet. After all, what is it that you look for when looking for a partner? A good, fair and just husband, a good, fair and just father. He does not know who I am, or how I am. He barely knows me at all. But perhaps thats the best way to start over, a perfect stranger, free to reinvent yourself any way you want
Perhaps I should re-incarnate as a Good good girl, finding a good good man of my own race, and raising children in a good religious way.
Ah well, he hasnt even asked me out yet, just perving on some eye candy around the office =P
That player itch
Sorry I havent been writing in a while. Its not that I dont think about it, I do, I just somehow dont end up writing it down.
***
I believe inherently that there is a 'player radar' incorporated in all us 'players' (ex or now). So when I meet someone even in the first few moments, I can generally sense if this is a guy that goes around/ potentially will cheat on his wife/ gf/ partner/ likes to have a bit of casual fun. I see it now, even amongst the people I am with, The Sandman and The Charmer have it bad, this Player itch. Theyre both taken, one's been with a longterm girlfriend and the other, off the market. Yet I see it in them, the way they walk and talk, the way they flirt just a little bit, the way their eyes wander just a little bit south.
You see, they probably are trying their damndest to remain loyal and faitful and clean. But I think its in them, this desire to just go back to the things they recognize best, to go back to a life that was much more carefree, much more adventurous.
Instead, they try and live vicariously through me.
The Charmer told me, point blank, staring straight at me "my wife is astute, and I am a very bad liar" - translation "Its not that I dont think of cheating, I am just afraid of getting caught"
After a night on the town with The Sandman and some other friends, he talks to me online the next day "you know, I bet I can get back in the game, just pick up girls and head home with them. I think I still have it in me"
Indeed, I think if he didnt check himself in time that night, and dragged his sorry tail home, he was planning on bringing me home.
So that ladies and gents can just be the clear difference between a Player and an ex-Player. Its not that they dont think about the cheat. They do, and probably fantasize about it a bit. Its more about embracing the life you left behind, that crazy wild times that you used to have.
They havent cheated yet (not that I know of), but I wouldnt be surprised if they did
***
I believe inherently that there is a 'player radar' incorporated in all us 'players' (ex or now). So when I meet someone even in the first few moments, I can generally sense if this is a guy that goes around/ potentially will cheat on his wife/ gf/ partner/ likes to have a bit of casual fun. I see it now, even amongst the people I am with, The Sandman and The Charmer have it bad, this Player itch. Theyre both taken, one's been with a longterm girlfriend and the other, off the market. Yet I see it in them, the way they walk and talk, the way they flirt just a little bit, the way their eyes wander just a little bit south.
You see, they probably are trying their damndest to remain loyal and faitful and clean. But I think its in them, this desire to just go back to the things they recognize best, to go back to a life that was much more carefree, much more adventurous.
Instead, they try and live vicariously through me.
The Charmer told me, point blank, staring straight at me "my wife is astute, and I am a very bad liar" - translation "Its not that I dont think of cheating, I am just afraid of getting caught"
After a night on the town with The Sandman and some other friends, he talks to me online the next day "you know, I bet I can get back in the game, just pick up girls and head home with them. I think I still have it in me"
Indeed, I think if he didnt check himself in time that night, and dragged his sorry tail home, he was planning on bringing me home.
So that ladies and gents can just be the clear difference between a Player and an ex-Player. Its not that they dont think about the cheat. They do, and probably fantasize about it a bit. Its more about embracing the life you left behind, that crazy wild times that you used to have.
They havent cheated yet (not that I know of), but I wouldnt be surprised if they did
Sunday, August 29, 2010
There are days...
When I miss the feeling of being madly in love. Of that giddy feel when we hold hands. That gleeful smile that will always escape my lips when he nuzzles me close.
There are days like today when I miss more than anything else, that first few short moments when The Samaritan and I were madly madly in love. When I remember him kissing me hard against the fridge as we cooked together. When he would hold on to me and kiss me as we showered. Of lying together our bodies entertwined like an old renaissance painting watching each other in the mirror and feeling so truly complete.
Today I miss us, the old us.
Tomorrow Ill be ok again. But today, today is a different day
There are days like today when I miss more than anything else, that first few short moments when The Samaritan and I were madly madly in love. When I remember him kissing me hard against the fridge as we cooked together. When he would hold on to me and kiss me as we showered. Of lying together our bodies entertwined like an old renaissance painting watching each other in the mirror and feeling so truly complete.
Today I miss us, the old us.
Tomorrow Ill be ok again. But today, today is a different day
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