Chaos

Razz-a-mataz

2010-11-01T04:06:00.000-07:00

The longer you wait, the less interested I become.

I recently went on the annual company retreat off to an island getaway somewhere. I had planned for it for a long time. Looked forward to meeting new people and for some much needed hooking up. After all, it was in the same event some 4 years ago that I pulled as many men as I did that weekend.

I have ditched The Millionaire. Well, kind off. I played his games and flirted with him for as long as I could. But whenever it boiled down to actually getting off my butt and going to his place I realized I simply couldnt do it. My heighthened paranoia on the fact that maybe his fiancee or his family are secretly watching and might blow me up or burn me aggravates the push to not go.

I do enjoy it though, that little flirt. That attention from a millionaire who has everything. The money, the family, the hot and famous fiancee. Yet he still comes back to me. Its hard to not be flattered and to not enjoy that.

But I keep looking and searching for something more stable now. Or if not, to continue searching for those who can deal with my emotionless nights together. To find a man I would like to see for a long time or to find a man who can fulfill me and not take heart when I dont call or want to see him in the longer term.

See I am surrounded now by eligible men, decent looking but most of all with a good heart. I cant simply sleep with them because that little buzz in me tells me that they cant handle that kind of abuse. That they are the kinds of men who would sleep with someone only when it means something more.

But then they no longer become the men that I want to have a relationship with. Maybe one or two from this weekend still hold a warm spot in my heart. I am deathly in crush with The Good Boy and constantly wish he would ask me out... and I am deathly in lust with The Journalist. A younger man - good looking and smart, but clearly without the experience of men my age.

A woman creates the opportunity... it is the man's role to seize it.

And the longer they wait, the faster I move on, to somebody else, to somebody new.

But honestly, right now, all I want is just to have a guy lay on top of me

Moral compass

2010-09-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Ive been trying to figure some things out since the night I received that booty call. Remember how I asked the universe for Good Boy to flirt with me? Well, he added me as a friend on facebook, does that count?

The Millionaire in his passing out remark mentions, perhaps we should meet the next day then. I speak again to the universe, and ask for some guidance. The universe decided that he wasnt goint to booty call me that night.

Then last Wednesday night, The Millionaire texts me again. Again I look somewhere else for a sign. This time, my girlfriend and I noted, if he doesnt respond by 12:00 a.m., then I wouldnt go.

The thing is, in all these instances, I rested on someone else to make the decision for me, because I truly cannot decide if I want to or not. I am torn between being the old me, and the person I have become through The Samaritan.

The old me would have just gone, straightaway, never looked back. The old me would have laughed and enjoyed the conquest as much as the feel of a man's hands on my body. The old me would have point blank walked into his place, no questions asked and rock his world.

But like I said, that was then.

The new me kinda goes "meh". Yes, it would be fun, but staying at home and watching DVD's would also be fun (and less complicated). Yes, he is a good looking guy, but it would be pretty nice if it was a not engaged good looking guy who was in my house cooking me dinner (preferable shirtless) and watching DVD's with me.

You get my drift right?

The old me treasured her independence, fun, youth, her cynicism in fact, of men and the world around her. The new me believes in hope, and in the truth that there are indeed some good men out there, and it would be really nice to find one of them.

Until I decide myself, the person I want to be, I keep on relying on signs and the universe and guidance for everything. Though for those of you this would be a simple decision Engaged = NO, for me the mere fact that I am actually contemplating saying no is a very big step for me.

Maybe my days of reckless and ruthless fun are gone. Maybe now Im actually morphing into an adult and making adult decisions.

S-c-a-r-y

When it rains it pours

2010-09-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

I guess the cat is out of the bag and slowly the news has made its way around the circuit. Yes ladies and gents, I am single, and today out of the blue two (count them) two!! of my exes decided to drop me a note.

Mr. 1982, what a very good year. And hmm.. what shall I call him... The Millionaire? Mr. Eccentric? well, to those who may have known me and known of me for a while he was simply The Car Guy back when it all began.

I was in the car travelling round to the boondocks for some relative visiting when I get a message on my blackberry. A note titled "hello hello hello" and a message saying "well well well..." I was surprised to hear from him, my Mr. 1982. A much older man (12 years older than me) whom I used to have a huge crush on and of course did finally managed to bed. He was a lot of fun, always made me laugh and we ended as he left the country, and right after that I got together with The Samaritan.

The Samaritan wasnt too keen on Mr. 1982 in the beginning. I guess because I did have some emotional investment in him. But I knew then as I know now he cannot be my forever after. Just to start with 12 years difference is too much even for me. I still want the father of my children to be able to play with my kids, to be alive to watch them go to college and to get married.

But it was such a thrill back then, nailing the man that I had wanted for such a long time. I looked at his pictures now, and see the exact same man who had left. A happy smiling, drinking, partying man... and I started thinking... "isnt he a little too old to still be partying like that?"

The Millionaire was a man I met so much longer before. Our flirtation went all the way to college days in another country, in another time. When we both came back he finally invited me over to his place. He was... eccentric... in a few different ways. He was with someone back then, just as he is engaged to that someone right now. But today, after a hiatus of almost two years he sends me a text message asking how I am, asking if I wanted to come over and see his new place.

Back in the day I wouldve jumped in a heartbeat. Driven my car and just go. But now, now I send him a message back letting him know I am with my family and it would just not be possible to go away. Now I ask him point blank if he has anyone he can introduce me to, now that he is off the market. Pretty pointed messages I would say. Yet he still comes back to me, still asks me to come over, tells me he will let me know when I get there but then sends me another message to say he's alone.

Some people never change. Some men never change

But perhaps, I have changed.

My interest slightly piqued, but thats about it. Perhaps I would just go over because I am overdue for a lay, but that would be about it. Between Mr. 1982 and The Millionaire I would prefer Mr. 1982, less complicated you see. But with him being a few countries away and The Millionaires pad being within 5 minutes of walking, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Urghhhh if only The Good Boy was in town and can just distract me by actually flirting with me or something...

The Charmer

2010-09-09T07:38:00.000-07:00

We meet one day. He greets me, with a great smile as he shakes my hand. Asks me how I am and makes me feel like I am the only person in the world. He is a little dorky looking, but in a good looking kind of way, with his shirt unbuttoned on top. Or perhaps he isnt that good looking, but his charming ways persuade me otherwise.

He looks at me, talks to me, charms me, and I feel myself getting more and more ensnared in his little web.

I want him. If for nothing else than to just feel that power that rush. It would be easy or perhaps not so easy since he seems to have developed a conscience. I sense in him that inner animal that misses the days of the hunt. And I sense on some days that he sees that kinship in me too.

I watched him, openly flirting with the security guards, and tell him that it would have been enjoyable to have seen him back in the day, back when he was on his game.

A touch here, a touch there, some witty repertoire. Ah, if only... if only...

and as he told me to my face
"my wife is astute, and I am a bad liar"

The Good Boy

2010-09-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

I met a good boy today. Well, I guess to be fair I didnt 'just' meet him. But I guess only recently have I started really 'seeing' him. This good good boy

He's the kind of boy you would bring home to your mother. The kind of boy who says please and thank you and smiles. The kind of boy who is good to his family, his sisters.

That good good boy.

He's also the good boy that goes for prayers, fasts.

So why is this good good boy appealing suddenly?

He is of the same race as me, and for the first time in a long time, its that memory of finding someone that clicks with you, or understands your background, your race, your culture. Its seeing for the first time in a long time, a person who would share your commitment to your family, your friends. The kind of guy who would ask you if you wanted to go home and see your parents, or if you wanted to hang out together with your friends.

A good good boy from the same racial background as me.

But as before, that whole spirituality side stops me cold. I see this good boy, and I think to myself, yes, I can see him as a good father. A spiritual man who would try to teach out children good values. I think to myself, perhaps it is about time that I leave behind my ways, and reach out to a more moderate view of things. Perhaps not so far left and liberal off the charts as I have been in a while, but closer to actually going back on that chart, on going back to 'the path'. After all, I know in the future, I would want my children raised with some religious guidance, after which theyre free to decide on their own.

And here ladies and gents, is my dillema. Because after all, that was the straw that broke the camels back on The Samaritan and me. Our differing views on religion. With him I could not pretend, I could not try to become somebody I am not, because he knew me from so long ago. Know how I truly feel about religion and spirituality

But perhaps it is time I go back into the closet. After all, what is it that you look for when looking for a partner? A good, fair and just husband, a good, fair and just father. He does not know who I am, or how I am. He barely knows me at all. But perhaps thats the best way to start over, a perfect stranger, free to reinvent yourself any way you want

Perhaps I should re-incarnate as a Good good girl, finding a good good man of my own race, and raising children in a good religious way.

Ah well, he hasnt even asked me out yet, just perving on some eye candy around the office =P

That player itch

2010-09-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry I havent been writing in a while. Its not that I dont think about it, I do, I just somehow dont end up writing it down.

***
I believe inherently that there is a 'player radar' incorporated in all us 'players' (ex or now). So when I meet someone even in the first few moments, I can generally sense if this is a guy that goes around/ potentially will cheat on his wife/ gf/ partner/ likes to have a bit of casual fun. I see it now, even amongst the people I am with, The Sandman and The Charmer have it bad, this Player itch. Theyre both taken, one's been with a longterm girlfriend and the other, off the market. Yet I see it in them, the way they walk and talk, the way they flirt just a little bit, the way their eyes wander just a little bit south.

You see, they probably are trying their damndest to remain loyal and faitful and clean. But I think its in them, this desire to just go back to the things they recognize best, to go back to a life that was much more carefree, much more adventurous.

Instead, they try and live vicariously through me.

The Charmer told me, point blank, staring straight at me "my wife is astute, and I am a very bad liar" - translation "Its not that I dont think of cheating, I am just afraid of getting caught"

After a night on the town with The Sandman and some other friends, he talks to me online the next day "you know, I bet I can get back in the game, just pick up girls and head home with them. I think I still have it in me"

Indeed, I think if he didnt check himself in time that night, and dragged his sorry tail home, he was planning on bringing me home.

So that ladies and gents can just be the clear difference between a Player and an ex-Player. Its not that they dont think about the cheat. They do, and probably fantasize about it a bit. Its more about embracing the life you left behind, that crazy wild times that you used to have.

They havent cheated yet (not that I know of), but I wouldnt be surprised if they did

There are days...

2010-08-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

When I miss the feeling of being madly in love. Of that giddy feel when we hold hands. That gleeful smile that will always escape my lips when he nuzzles me close.

There are days like today when I miss more than anything else, that first few short moments when The Samaritan and I were madly madly in love. When I remember him kissing me hard against the fridge as we cooked together. When he would hold on to me and kiss me as we showered. Of lying together our bodies entertwined like an old renaissance painting watching each other in the mirror and feeling so truly complete.

Today I miss us, the old us.

Tomorrow Ill be ok again. But today, today is a different day

Dear God

2010-08-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

If you are out there, are you listening to me? I dont know what it is about me, or maybe about the men you have sent my way, but the last two relationships Ive been in took a turn after they both found you or some semblance of your spirituality while they were dating me.

Is it me God? Am I secretly the weapon that you use in getting people back to the 'right' path? Sometimes I wonder if that is my purpose here on earth? Maybe I just bend so far left that anyone who is with me ends up catipulting all the way right, all the way to you.

Its funny though, the directions that they go in, the first one turned Buddhist on me while we were dating, and tried to persuade me to stop eating meat due to the unnatural nature poultry is raised and slaughtered. I looked at him and told him Ive seen standing cows being slaughtered and cut to pieces right in front of my eyes. Ive watched cows cowling as life slowly shifts out of them. Ive seen this happening in front of my eyes at least once a year since I was 7.

Needless to say I am not a vegetarian nor do I think I ever will be.

The second one turned Muslim on me. I noticed he had been shifting away from me for a while, but I tried to work around it. But what can I say, such differences in our views on religion, on politics, on everything in between. With no voice at the end of the day, for the things we should have been talking about, a future together, children. It was funny how we had talked about those things first and simply never brought it back up, like a cloud of dreams.

So I dont know God, is this your way of trying to get me back into your tracks? The Samaritan had once mentioned that maybe things would have been different if I believed like he did. That maybe we would have had a shot at the future together. But I cant God, after all these years I have finally figured out my place in life, my peace in life and what I expect of our relationship in life, You and I.

I cant God. I cant go back to religion just because otherwise I might end up alone in my life since all the men I end up with somehow find their own way back to you. I cant.

So thank you God, for showing me the limitations to my own love, because as much as I love them those men, and as much as I love you...

I love me most of all, and I will be at peace with myself

Enter The Sandman

2010-08-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

Those of you who read my previous blog would remember The Sandman. A man who was pretty much my mirror image in almost every which way. Well, a mirror image of me back then...

We were both Players. The kind that could easily go out and meet people, bring them back home and just have a good time, no strings attached. We worked in the same company (yes yes I know you guys are probably thinking why do I keep going back to the people in my company, well its because its very difficult to meet men out of work so there) and used to flirt with each other back in the day when I first joined.

One day on a company trip to an island, we finally did it, and hooked up with each other. It was as I had expected it would be. No awkwardness, just two friends having a good time with each other. And when we were done, that was pretty much it, we still would meet up, have a drink and laugh about things.

Then of course I met The Samaritan, and The Sandman met someone else. We were both monogamous for a very long time and started to lose contact with each other.

I bumped into him again a few days ago, and after a whole cycle of getting fat, shaving his head... he finally lost the weight and looked like The Sandman I remembered from four years ago. We met up for a drink and compared notes. We talked about how I am trying to get back in 'The Game' and how Sandman thinks its really a little too old for the both of us.

We are both tired and just couldnt be really bothered to go out there and look. He is even thinking about getting engaged!

But of course, we also talked about whether marriage is truly the 'end' for people like him and me, people who are I guess for lack of a better word 'ex-players'

As for him, I sense his itchy feet starting to look and feel around, but ah well, we shall see.

Appreciation

2010-08-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

Why do people flirt? I cant really say. The thrill of that first smile, the expectation of flirty banter, the lump in your chest when you see the name on your phone/ email/ sms. I think people flirt because it makes you feel appreciated. And for that one second you feel like you matter to somebody.

Its a drug, this need to feel like you matter. That pride in your chest when somebody seeks out your attention. And I miss it. Ive missed it for some time, because after a long long relationship, sometimes even your partner tends to forget how much he should appreciate you. After a long time, people take other people for granted.

I flirt now, or try to flirt might be a better way of putting it. I am out of practice, but like some people tend to remind me, its really like learning to ride a bike. You'll never forget it. I attempted to flirt with Chocolate who eventually pretty much slammed me down.

"Sure, thats an open invitation for a drink... but dont forget to bring your other friends too"

Can you say OUCH

hahahahah, but I laugh it off, because thats what life's like right, you just keep going, and sometimes you read the signs wrong, or you make a mistake, you just pick yourself up and keep going.

Who is this enemy I am now flirting with you say? he's working with my a direct competitor firm. Our two company's have always been neck to neck in terms of work and reputation, though I would admit globally his company remains numero uno, and mine numero dos.

We've exchanged a few emails. Friendly at most, but slightly bordering on the flirtatious. Its just harmless fun, trying to catch a few butterflies to put in your stomach. I miss those times.

I had dinner with The Samaritan today. Him sitting in front of me while we ate our burgers. Our friends (a married couple) had dinner with us. She got up to go to the bathroom and asked her husband to watch her bag. At which point I just smiled our of the corner of my eye and looked at The Samaritan pointedly

"See" I said. (We once had an argument on how of course he would be watching my handbag and why would anyone come and grab it and I didnt have to ask him to watch it because it makes him feel like I can't just trust him)

At which point he turned to Mr. Husband and asked him how he felt about being asked to watch the bag. Mr. Husband went wild claiming its ridiculous that Mrs. Wife asks him to watch the bag-of course he's going to watch the bag - which crazy person will come and grab her handbag while he was there.

I started cracking up, so so badly I started to cry. These were the moments that had made us, us. And at that point I had not noticed it, because I was so consumed by the overall feeling of sadness, of feeling that I wasnt good enough.

I looked at The Samaritan, still laughing, still crying, and saw something in him. It reminded me of how I still do love him. But immediately kept in check with myself, that though I could still love him, I still will move on and find someone who will love me back in the way I should be loved.

Wholly, truly, appreciated

2010-08-07T02:53:00.001-07:00

I am flirting with the enemy... and it feels so good

The Ex-files

2010-08-04T04:48:00.000-07:00

To cut a long story short, The Samaritan was someone from work whom I was dating for 2.5 years. My office does not have a policy against office romance for as long as it doesnt impede the work progress. When we first got together, we kept it as quiet as possible, though we were informed that the furtive glances we used to give to each other and the excuses we used to make just so that we could walk together or talk together or even go into the other persons office was enough to make everyone suspect we were together.

Funnily enough, in reverse the news doesnt travel as fast as I thought it would. The Samaritan had taken some time off to do social work elsewhere (thus the name The Samaritan), after working there for a while he realized that he wanted to leave the firm. So he quit. Essentially what that means is that every time somebody wants to know something about him they come to me. They ask me how he's doing (expected) they ask me when he's coming back (expected) if he had converted (yes he had) and finally if he had quit the firm (yes he did). After a while it is tiring to tell people that yes yes he's doing fine, and sharing the stories of his life with people. So after an appropriate amount of time, and after I was finally ready to say it, I told people. I told my colleagues who were asking that The Samaritan's blackberry was indeed working wherever he was and perhaps it would be best to just drop him an email to see how he is. Did he quit? well maybe you should email him to ask because its not my story to tell. Did he convert? well thats pretty personal, so why dont you email him?

Sometimes I get angry with him. I get angry that he left me behind to deal with all this rubbish and remainders of the remnants of our relationship. I am angry because I feel like Im the one who has to pick up the pieces and mend the fence whilst he heads off to do better things and greater things elsewhere. That he gets to start over fresh whilst Im left behind with this tattered cloth of life.

Cue - end drama

No, its not the easiest thing to do, starting over yet again. But it was needed, for the both of us. And now each time I tell people, I become more and more liberated. Each time I say it, I breathe better. Because even though I miss him (and sometimes I truly do) what I missed most were the days when we madly truly loved each other. When we used to go on surprise trips together to the middle of nowhere, when we would just drive, and talk. The days when he used to hold me tight when we would walk around, or my hand in his. I miss the days when we would just look at each other and smile, blessed by the fact that we had found each other.

I know I'll find it again, though I waver between cynicism and hope. I know deep down, that I will find it again. When we broke up, The Samaritan and I agreed that we had changed much from the people we were when we first met

"You were the girl dancing on the bartop"

I was then a man hater, man lover, man eater. I was cycnical and jaded. Perhaps I still am, but those 2.5 years with him reminded me of that glint of sunshine, that open window that does exist in this silent cube.

So when people ask me now about him, I just say "why dont you get in touch with him. By the way, we broke up, though we remain good friends"

And we truly have.

Visa to Brazil

2010-07-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Warning : Explicit descriptions ahead

***

So I wanted to take a trip to Brazil today to get ready for the big pool / spa trip that my company had arranged for the project team. After two months of long hours, weekend work (and yes, NOT getting laid), its pretty nice that the Big Boss wants to take us out for a trip to show the company's appreciation.

Hence, the need to visit Brazil before I could head out for the weekend bash. Now, I havent managed to go to the Ministry of Waxing for a while now since as mentioned above I've been working pretty hard for about two months. The place I usually go to has some chatter box groomers and I was NOT going to go there just to have them tsk tsk at my lack of caretaking.

So I decided to do a pre-trim before going in for the big yank-off. You know, as courtesy to them.

I get there, and the groomer gasps in horror. "Its too short! I probably wont be able to get anything off!"

I am lying there, pantless with cold sweat at the thought that I may have to go to the pool without being bikini ready. So I beg her, to just help me out, just give it a try, and if it doesnt work, then fine. She goes "ok, Ill try" and gets to it.

After taking care of the main area, I thought she would ask me to flip over as they usually do. Instead... she takes a tweezer and goes down.

Omg... it was not pleasant, and especially not pleasant when the people working there are perfectionist and will not let you leave looking anything less than 'fully clean'. At times, my skin got pinched by mistake.

Well, lesson learnt, the next time you want to head over to Brazil ladies, just let it be, after all, these groomers have probably seen it all and can be quite professional about it. And you deff do not want your visa revoked by them.

Plus, it means you would never have to face the tweezers!!!

***

Please email me at chaos.maneater@gmail.com for links to the previous blog

Episode 2

2010-07-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

A little sidenote, to those interested in the previous blog, you can drop me a message and Ill send the link to you directly, apologies, but dont really mean to publicize my previous blogs

***

I am stuck at work right now. I am working on a project that pretty much means I am stuck in a specific place with unspecific people.

Except for Chocolate.

When I started this project, I thought "it would be great if there were a bunch of cute single men". Turns out everyone here is much older and married.

Except for Chocolate.

So I flirt... a little, since Im trying to balance being professional with being... frisky. What can I say about Choc? except, he's talk, dark and handsome. And has a pretty sexy job position to boot (dont blame me, I find high powered men very attractive). Ive been trying to flirt with him, and I think he's flirting back, but nothing has happened.

Yet.

The end of the project is next Tuesday, we will be having a team dinner the Monday prior, and Im hoping to get him that night. Well, we'll see.

What can I say, I fluctuate between believing sex should only be between people who love each other (re: sex with The Samaritan was pretty much the best experiences Ive had) and sex as just a means for fun between people who just enjoy sex (re: sex with the then ex circa 2006 was pretty fun too). Im going to turn the flirt on come Monday as it would be a pretty safe time for me, and would be just at the window between too involved with work and being too late.

p/s: yes, in my moments of loneliness I reached out to my evergreen Mr. Librarian, and trying to get him to move halfway across the world just so that I can see something cute (preferably without his shirt on). We've been messaging back and forth, but Mr. Lib is Mr. Lib, and he sure knows how to toy around with me

The return of the Maneater

2010-07-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

Hello again friends. Its been a long time coming hasnt it? Perhaps we should return to where I left off in the previous blog.

2.5 years of loving a man who didn't love me back.

Or perhaps as he rightfully pointed out, wasnt able to love me in the way I wanted to be loved.

So where does that leave me? 2.5 years later?

I am done with the heartbreak. Honestly, I think we both saw it coming, and the pain of ending things was more a relief... nothing like the pain that I felt the first time he told he me didn't know if he loved me anymore. So we ended things, in the surprisingly most civil of ways. We are still friends now, in the best of sense. But that chapter of my life is over.

So I moved on, gave myself a cry for a night, but then shook myself up and moved on. Headed back to the gym, tried to sculpt myself up a little.

And here I am, post-breakup.

I have changed much since the first time you saw me. But I realized how quickly I grew old the minute I dreamt of marriage with The Ex. I stopped going out, become more and more of a homebody. Not that that wasnt me as well. But perhaps I fast forwaded through my youth a little too quick, and perhaps its time to rewind and capture a little of the spirit I once had.

Here I am. Re-newed. Chaos.

Let the games begin