There are days...

When I miss the feeling of being madly in love. Of that giddy feel when we hold hands. That gleeful smile that will always escape my lips when he nuzzles me close.

There are days like today when I miss more than anything else, that first few short moments when The Samaritan and I were madly madly in love. When I remember him kissing me hard against the fridge as we cooked together. When he would hold on to me and kiss me as we showered. Of lying together our bodies entertwined like an old renaissance painting watching each other in the mirror and feeling so truly complete.

Today I miss us, the old us.

Tomorrow Ill be ok again. But today, today is a different day

Dear God

Dear God,

If you are out there, are you listening to me? I dont know what it is about me, or maybe about the men you have sent my way, but the last two relationships Ive been in took a turn after they both found you or some semblance of your spirituality while they were dating me.

Is it me God? Am I secretly the weapon that you use in getting people back to the 'right' path? Sometimes I wonder if that is my purpose here on earth? Maybe I just bend so far left that anyone who is with me ends up catipulting all the way right, all the way to you.

Its funny though, the directions that they go in, the first one turned Buddhist on me while we were dating, and tried to persuade me to stop eating meat due to the unnatural nature poultry is raised and slaughtered. I looked at him and told him Ive seen standing cows being slaughtered and cut to pieces right in front of my eyes. Ive watched cows cowling as life slowly shifts out of them. Ive seen this happening in front of my eyes at least once a year since I was 7.

Needless to say I am not a vegetarian nor do I think I ever will be.

The second one turned Muslim on me. I noticed he had been shifting away from me for a while, but I tried to work around it. But what can I say, such differences in our views on religion, on politics, on everything in between. With no voice at the end of the day, for the things we should have been talking about, a future together, children. It was funny how we had talked about those things first and simply never brought it back up, like a cloud of dreams.

So I dont know God, is this your way of trying to get me back into your tracks? The Samaritan had once mentioned that maybe things would have been different if I believed like he did. That maybe we would have had a shot at the future together. But I cant God, after all these years I have finally figured out my place in life, my peace in life and what I expect of our relationship in life, You and I.

I cant God. I cant go back to religion just because otherwise I might end up alone in my life since all the men I end up with somehow find their own way back to you. I cant.

So thank you God, for showing me the limitations to my own love, because as much as I love them those men, and as much as I love you...

I love me most of all, and I will be at peace with myself

Enter The Sandman

Those of you who read my previous blog would remember The Sandman. A man who was pretty much my mirror image in almost every which way. Well, a mirror image of me back then...


We were both Players. The kind that could easily go out and meet people, bring them back home and just have a good time, no strings attached. We worked in the same company (yes yes I know you guys are probably thinking why do I keep going back to the people in my company, well its because its very difficult to meet men out of work so there) and used to flirt with each other back in the day when I first joined.

One day on a company trip to an island, we finally did it, and hooked up with each other. It was as I had expected it would be. No awkwardness, just two friends having a good time with each other. And when we were done, that was pretty much it, we still would meet up, have a drink and laugh about things.

Then of course I met The Samaritan, and The Sandman met someone else. We were both monogamous for a very long time and started to lose contact with each other.

I bumped into him again a few days ago, and after a whole cycle of getting fat, shaving his head... he finally lost the weight and looked like The Sandman I remembered from four years ago. We met up for a drink and compared notes. We talked about how I am trying to get back in 'The Game' and how Sandman thinks its really a little too old for the both of us.

We are both tired and just couldnt be really bothered to go out there and look. He is even thinking about getting engaged!

But of course, we also talked about whether marriage is truly the 'end' for people like him and me, people who are I guess for lack of a better word 'ex-players'

As for him, I sense his itchy feet starting to look and feel around, but ah well, we shall see.

Appreciation

Why do people flirt? I cant really say. The thrill of that first smile, the expectation of flirty banter, the lump in your chest when you see the name on your phone/ email/ sms. I think people flirt because it makes you feel appreciated. And for that one second you feel like you matter to somebody.

Its a drug, this need to feel like you matter. That pride in your chest when somebody seeks out your attention. And I miss it. Ive missed it for some time, because after a long long relationship, sometimes even your partner tends to forget how much he should appreciate you. After a long time, people take other people for granted.

I flirt now, or try to flirt might be a better way of putting it. I am out of practice, but like some people tend to remind me, its really like learning to ride a bike. You'll never forget it. I attempted to flirt with Chocolate who eventually pretty much slammed me down.

"Sure, thats an open invitation for a drink... but dont forget to bring your other friends too"

Can you say OUCH

hahahahah, but I laugh it off, because thats what life's like right, you just keep going, and sometimes you read the signs wrong, or you make a mistake, you just pick yourself up and keep going.

Who is this enemy I am now flirting with you say? he's working with my a direct competitor firm. Our two company's have always been neck to neck in terms of work and reputation, though I would admit globally his company remains numero uno, and mine numero dos.

We've exchanged a few emails. Friendly at most, but slightly bordering on the flirtatious. Its just harmless fun, trying to catch a few butterflies to put in your stomach. I miss those times.

I had dinner with The Samaritan today. Him sitting in front of me while we ate our burgers. Our friends (a married couple) had dinner with us. She got up to go to the bathroom and asked her husband to watch her bag. At which point I just smiled our of the corner of my eye and looked at The Samaritan pointedly

"See" I said. (We once had an argument on how of course he would be watching my handbag and why would anyone come and grab it and I didnt have to ask him to watch it because it makes him feel like I can't just trust him)

At which point he turned to Mr. Husband and asked him how he felt about being asked to watch the bag. Mr. Husband went wild claiming its ridiculous that Mrs. Wife asks him to watch the bag-of course he's going to watch the bag - which crazy person will come and grab her handbag while he was there.

I started cracking up, so so badly I started to cry. These were the moments that had made us, us. And at that point I had not noticed it, because I was so consumed by the overall feeling of sadness, of feeling that I wasnt good enough.

I looked at The Samaritan, still laughing, still crying, and saw something in him. It reminded me of how I still do love him. But immediately kept in check with myself, that though I could still love him, I still will move on and find someone who will love me back in the way I should be loved.

Wholly, truly, appreciated

I am flirting with the enemy... and it feels so good

The Ex-files

To cut a long story short, The Samaritan was someone from work whom I was dating for 2.5 years. My office does not have a policy against office romance for as long as it doesnt impede the work progress. When we first got together, we kept it as quiet as possible, though we were informed that the furtive glances we used to give to each other and the excuses we used to make just so that we could walk together or talk together or even go into the other persons office was enough to make everyone suspect we were together.

Funnily enough, in reverse the news doesnt travel as fast as I thought it would. The Samaritan had taken some time off to do social work elsewhere (thus the name The Samaritan), after working there for a while he realized that he wanted to leave the firm. So he quit. Essentially what that means is that every time somebody wants to know something about him they come to me. They ask me how he's doing (expected) they ask me when he's coming back (expected) if he had converted (yes he had) and finally if he had quit the firm (yes he did). After a while it is tiring to tell people that yes yes he's doing fine, and sharing the stories of his life with people. So after an appropriate amount of time, and after I was finally ready to say it, I told people. I told my colleagues who were asking that The Samaritan's blackberry was indeed working wherever he was and perhaps it would be best to just drop him an email to see how he is. Did he quit? well maybe you should email him to ask because its not my story to tell. Did he convert? well thats pretty personal, so why dont you email him?

Sometimes I get angry with him. I get angry that he left me behind to deal with all this rubbish and remainders of the remnants of our relationship. I am angry because I feel like Im the one who has to pick up the pieces and mend the fence whilst he heads off to do better things and greater things elsewhere. That he gets to start over fresh whilst Im left behind with this tattered cloth of life.

Cue - end drama

No, its not the easiest thing to do, starting over yet again. But it was needed, for the both of us. And now each time I tell people, I become more and more liberated. Each time I say it, I breathe better. Because even though I miss him (and sometimes I truly do) what I missed most were the days when we madly truly loved each other. When we used to go on surprise trips together to the middle of nowhere, when we would just drive, and talk. The days when he used to hold me tight when we would walk around, or my hand in his. I miss the days when we would just look at each other and smile, blessed by the fact that we had found each other.

I know I'll find it again, though I waver between cynicism and hope. I know deep down, that I will find it again. When we broke up, The Samaritan and I agreed that we had changed much from the people we were when we first met

"You were the girl dancing on the bartop"

I was then a man hater, man lover, man eater. I was cycnical and jaded. Perhaps I still am, but those 2.5 years with him reminded me of that glint of sunshine, that open window that does exist in this silent cube.

So when people ask me now about him, I just say "why dont you get in touch with him. By the way, we broke up, though we remain good friends"

And we truly have.